Have you ever felt like you have tried everything to feel better and nothing is working?

It’s a common story.

If you do a simple search for “self-care activities” you will get hundreds of different ideas of what to do to help you reduce anxiety, be happier, and improve your overall wellbeing. And there are some great suggestions out there!!

But what happens when you have tried SO many of them and you are still not feeling better?

Where do you go from there?

Well, my friend, the situation is NOT hopeless! Here are 3 things that get in the way of your self care efforts and sabotage your progress.

1.       Your nervous system is on overdrive

When your body is on high alert, it is physiologically impossible to rest and take in joy. When we have been stressed out for a really long time, pushing through to take care of all of our responsibilities, we may not even realize that we are in overdrive because it has become just our normal, exhausted, foggy, jittery self. Targeted drills can soothe your nervous system so that you can finally feel that calm and peace you’ve been searching for.

This burnout escape plan is meant for people who have been feeling the stress for a while now and starts with a nervous system reset. Click here to get your free download to get started today!

2.       You are not addressing the root of your issue – your old programming

Your old programming results from the millions of messages that your mind takes in throughout your lifetime, with a sole purpose of keeping you safe.

If you believe subconsciously that you are only worthy of love if you are helping everyone or being super productive, there’s an innate part of you that is going to NEED to be helpful and productive all the time, which makes it super hard to rest or do anything for yourself. Uncovering these programs, or Mind BS, will allow you decide (as a freaking grown up!) which programs are helpful to you, and which ones you want to kick to the curb.

If you want to get started uncovering your old programs today, you can get started with this blog post.

3.       You are not seeing the bigger picture

So often we are trying a tool, or technique, or idea that is supposed to help us to feel better, and we forget that self care is actually caring for a human – YOU! Caring for a human means so many things from nutrition to stimulation to love and acceptance. What if you could find tiny ways to give yourself the love and support that you probably give abundantly to others?

Here’s one example of to do that.

Addressing these key mind shifts will skyrocket your progress so that your efforts are more effective. If your nervous system is calm and your mind is not screaming at you to get something done, you will have the mental space to check in with yourself to see what you actually need in that particular moment.

Check out this video to dive deeper into this topic:

(Transcript below)

Kristina Coderre is a busy mom of 4 who is passionate about helping parents build a lifestyle that includes joy and fulfillment WHILE tending to the chaotic grind of raising a family. You can join the conversation in the Blissfully Busy Facebook group or chat directly with Kristina to have a heart to heart about your personal circumstances.

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

Welcome to self care Sunday where we explore what it means to fill your own cup. Say hi in the chat so I know you are here.

 So I was talking to my colleague the other day about self care, because we all pretty much know this is my favourite subject, and she said self-care is BS. And this got my attention because I think self-care is pretty much the most important thing in my life since it is what allows me to do all the things that matter to me and not be a burnt out hot mess crying in the corner.

 I asked, “why is that? What makes it BS?”

“Well it doesn’t work.”

“What do you mean?”

 And she says “Look I have been doing a ton of research on self-care. Every website tells me to do something different and I’m so frustrated with feeling depleted that I try it. I’ve tried everything. I know I need to exercise so I bought a ton on gym equipment during covid but these days I’m so tired that I never have the energy to use them. I downloaded a journaling app because that was supposed to help and I did it religiously for a month but I didn’t feel any better so I stopped. There’s so much out there on the benefits of meditation I tried it, I really did, but I get so irritated with the voice that tells me to focus on my breath, it actually makes me rage. I’ve booked massages and pedicures and taken bubble baths. I’ve even taken time management courses to see if that will help me be less stressed. I’ve seriously tried it all and I’ve made exactly zero progress! Self care is total BS!”

 Ok, so I could see where she is coming from.

There was a point where I was there too, trying so hard to feel better and to find joy and not really making any progress. And I have learned a lot since then, so today I’m going to share 3 reasons why your self-care efforts are not working and how to fix that.

 Reason #1: You are wound too tight – your nervous system has been pushing through for way too long and yah, she’s right, you just can’t focus on your breath when your nervous system is in fight or flight! You know you are in fight or flight if your mind is racing or you are jittery or panicky or anxious or if you have that squirrely brain where you can’t focus on anything.

 You could also be in freeze as well - fight, flight, or freeze - this is where your brain shuts down, you lose your train of thought or your words, your memory is terrible and you have a hard time making decisions or keeping a conversation going. If any of that sounds like you, your self care needs to focus on a nervous system reset.

 That over active stress response can be causing all sorts of issues like digestive issues, heart issues, blood pressure issues and even mood and perspective issues like hyper focusing on negative things. So, before you do anything else, your first step is to shut down that stress response, which I know is what she was trying to do but sometimes you need more targeted exercises focused solely on that.

 So if that’s you and you are wondering what to do, I’ve created a burnout escape plan that starts with this nervous system reset. It’s an immediate-action checklist that you can do during your workday, even while you are in meetings to start resetting your nervous system to get your thinking brain back online. You can grab it on my website mindbs.ca or send me a message and I’ll send it to you.

 Alright, second reason that your efforts are not working is because you are not addressing the root cause of your issues, which is your old programming.

 Think of a field like weight loss. The really effective weight loss companies are realizing now that one big thing getting in the way of people’s success is their mindset around their weight. They call it mindset, but I call it old programming about their body, and their food, their habits, and their identity around that. So weight loss programs can address just the surface stuff like what to eat and getting in regular exercise, but it is WAY more effective to also address your old programming. And it’s the exact same thing with self-care (and every other aspect of your life really).

If you believe, usually subconsciously, that you are only worthy of love if you are helping everyone or being super productive, there’s an innate part of you that is going to NEED to be helpful and productive all the time, which makes it super hard to rest or do anything for yourself. Your old programming is the reason that you feel guilty for sitting down when there’s laundry to be done or for spending money on something for yourself or for taking a sick day or for leaving the dishes for your husband to do even though it’s his turn.

I had someone tell me she couldn’t come to our coaching meetings because she had to put her kids to bed during that time. Her youngest kid is 9. That’s her programming telling her that she is only a good mom if she tucks them in the same way every night, not just 6 nights a week. And the flip side that she is a BAD mom if she goes to her self-care meeting and the kids read themselves a book and she goes in and gives them a kiss at 8pm after the meeting is over. Our old programming gets in the way of our best efforts. She signed up for the coaching because she knew she needed it then her old programming came in and messed it all up, keeping her stuck in the same patterns.

And so the very next step, after we reset our nervous system and before we attempt to do anything else, is to uncover our Mind BS and take a critical look at what we find, so that we can determine which programs are true and helpful, and which ones are total BS. It’s only AFTER we do this that introspective activities like journaling start really moving us forward and we can start setting healthy boundaries around our energy and maintain them because we are starting to believe that we ARE indeed worthy of them.

And reason #3 that your self-care efforts aren’t working is because you are not seeing the bigger picture, meaning you are focused on just that one activity that you are trying. Self-care is never just one thing. Self-care is caring for a human: You.

And I’m sure you’ve cared for other humans in your life. Think of a child. Can you just put your child on the treadmill for 30 minutes a day and say “there, cared for”? Can you send your child for a pedicure and say “there, cared for”. It sounds kind of ridiculous, right? So think about what a child needs. First and foremost I would say they need love and acceptance. They need to feel useful and a valued member of their community. They need outlets that bring them joy, that might be sports or dancing or art or reading or writing or even just hanging with their friends. They need mental stimulation like learning or trying something new or exploring a new place. And they need support as they grow.

 Self care means giving yourself all of those things. It means talking to yourself in a loving way. It means accepting all of you. It means making goals that fulfill you – and these are very different from our programmed goals that our Mind BS says will fulfill you, like getting a promotion or a bigger house. It means celebrating your wins and sitting with your emotions and just taking the time to get to know yourself, be with yourself, enjoy yourself in the same way that you would want to get to know your child.

I read some advice that said to grow a child’s confidence all you had to do was to light up when you saw them, and they would know they were loved and cherished and accepted just as they are. What if you did that when you saw yourself. Every time you looked in the mirror you were like (happy expression) “hi you! Let me give you a hug. I’m so happy to see you!”. What would that change for you? Because I know most of the time I catch my reflection in the mirror I’m not very nice to myself, like “ugh do I really have that many wrinkles?”. So self-care is tiny acts of love that accumulate into a bigger picture of a happier and more confident you.

So to sum up – your self care efforts will skyrocket if you #1 reset your nervous system, #2 bust down your old programming, and #3 care for yourself in all the ways you would care for a child.

Now it seems easy when you break it down like that but it is definitely not easy. Out of all of these, resetting your nervous system is the easiest, the rest comes with small mind shifts that accumulate over time. Your mind has spent your whole life creating and solidifying programs and it will take some time to uncover them, one by one, and replace them with new programs that are more true for you and represent who you really are, and not what society has told you you SHOULD be.

If you’ve been feeling like self-care is BS and you’d like to explore how to shift your efforts to allow you to meet your goals, I’d love to have a heart to heart with you about your unique situation, maybe explore what you’ve tried in the past and see if we can uncover what got in your way and even give you a few strategies to see if you can make some real progress into your happier and more fulfilled life. If you want to chat let me know and we can do a zoom call or just chat by text, whatever feels good to you.

So I challenge you to start right now by celebrating yourself for showing up today. You took time out of your busy schedule to learn some tips and tricks to move you forward so a high five to you my friend! And if you would like to start on your nervous system reset, go grab that free download.

I hope you have an amazing day!

Muah!