When were we taught not to listen to our bodies?

As children we are expected to comply with directions. We are taught not to question them, not to draw attention to ourselves or go against the grain. DO NOT be a bother or a burden.

Somewhere in my old programming I started to believe that being compliant meant being lovable and questioning the status quo would mean I was trouble.

I have been working to uncover and rewrite these old programs for years now and I was dismayed to see it showing up in my parenting.

Watch this video to see how it showed up and how I kicked it to the curb!

(Transcript below)

Kristina Coderre is a busy mom of 4 who is passionate about helping parents build a lifestyle that includes joy and fulfillment WHILE tending to the chaotic grind of raising a family.  You can join the conversation in the Blissfully Busy Facebook group or chat directly with Kristina to have a heart to heart about your personal circumstances.

Video transcript:

Welcome to self-care Sunday where we explore what it means to fill our own cups!

Say hello in the chat so that I know you are here.

How are you doing today? Did the first week of school go well?

Now I remember starting school each year, and I remember making a plan for how I wanted to be that year, how I wanted to present myself.

I would think to myself, I really want to be liked so I’m going to be…. I could fill in a whole bunch of adjectives here.

Did any of you do that? Let me know in the chat if you ever tried to BE something in order to be likable.

I would notice that people gravitate to the happy people, the ones who made them feel good, and I might say “This year I’m going to be happy and bubbly and compliment people”  Will be Approachable and fun to be around and never cranky or sullen.

I remember another year thinking that I was going to dress a certain way, do my hair a certain way and another year where I joined the goth/punk crowd.

Sometimes I would think about my body shape and make plans to change it, sometimes very unhealthy plans.

So why did I do that?

What made me believe that those changes would help me fit in?

The root of so many of our behaviours… old programming.

For those of you who are new to these discussions, your programs are the result of your mind taking in data from every single source around it, analysing it, and using it to help you to fit into your various communities, like home and classroom, and playground. Because your mind’s sole goal is to keep you safe, and maintaining status in a pack helps you to stay safe.

And this causes you to create personas or masks that cover who you truly are in favour of who our mind thinks we should be.

If you think about the examples I just gave in terms of programming, what programs had my mind created as a child about my social acceptance by my peers?

I need to act a certain way in order to be liked.

I need to be happy and lovable all of the time.

I need to have a certain body shape to be liked.

I need to look a certain way to either stand out or blend in, depending on what my mind is telling me will be most beneficial to my world at that time.

What about emotions? What emotions am I allowed to display at school in order to be safe?

What about using my voice?

Can I share my opinions? What if they are wrong? What if they go against what my teachers are saying? What if I told them no I don’t want to do that? I don’t want to participate in that gym activity or that group project?

I knew that if I showed too much realness that I would be mocked by my peers, or labeled as weird, or needy, or a downer.

I knew that if I showed any defiance, I would be told “too bad” or suck it up, or I would be sent to the office for giving attitude, and I could be labeled as “problem” and my parents would be disappointed in me.

And now I am a parent. With young people who are being programmed as we speak living under my roof, taking in my influence.

And so today I’d like to talk about our role as parents in programming the next generation.

So earlier this week I shared an example that I’d like to talk about today. My 16 year old son was at the orthodontist. And this is a child who tends to push limits and see what he can get away with but this is also a child with sensory issues and having braces at all was never something we thought possible.

So he’s had braces for a few years now and this day they were going to put these forces on to help move his bottom jaw forward. And after a while, they come fetch me from the waiting room and he’s clearly in distress. They have been trying to convince him to just TRY putting the braces on … and he did …until it got too painful for him and he said he didn’t want the forces any more.

So what is my first response?

My first instinct is to tell him he’s doing a good job trying and we HAVE to get these on.

“Let’s just try one more time.”

Then I’m like, WHY? Why do we have to get these on? Because someone else says so?

Why is my first instinct is to just comply, ignore anything I might be feeling or he might be feeling in order to do what is expected.

And that’s when I realized, holy shit, my old programming is parenting for me!  NOOOOOO!!!!!

I am NOT ok with that and so I had to remind myself that I have the power to choose.

Every single moment is an opportunity to choose.

And that can be so hard as a parent!

Is this a moment where he needs to be encouraged and will be so proud when he gets to the other side?

Or is this a moment where he needs to be heard and to know that I have his back and I listen when he speaks his truth.

So if I just give it a second to percolate, give myself a moment to breathe and assess, my mom instincts know.

I know that this is a moment where I can say that following the orders is not as important as honouring my child.

For my whole life I have learned to ignore my body and just go with whatever I’m supposed to do. Without complaint. No wiggling. Follow the schedule. Ignore that you are tired. Work needs to be done. Push through.

I don’t want my child to ignore his body and just blindly follow at the expense of his own self worth, like so many of us have for so much of our lives.

We’ve been taught that our feelings are wrong and should be hidden, and that there’s no such thing as intuition. Logic! Logic is what prevails.

And that’s led many of us down paths that take us further and further away from our inner wisdom and from knowing our true selves.

And so we left. And I booked an appointment to discuss options with the orthodontist.

Who says we have to have perfectly aligned teeth? Maybe the improvement so far is just right for him.

And when we got to the car, the emotions that he was working to contain came crashing out.

Been there!

How many of you made it through your work day or your grocery shop or that fight with your spouse and then broke down the minute it was safe to do so. So many times.

So here we are in the car together and he’s really upset.

What do you think he’s saying to himself in his head? Put in the chat what he might be thinking to himself.

Maybe he’s thinking “I failed. I failed to get the next step in the plan. I failed to do what I was supposed to do.”

Maybe he’s thinking “people will be disappointed in me”. Maybe worrying about what happens when he goes back next time, will he have to go through that pain again? Will he fail again?

And it pretty much breaks my heart because the parent I was a few years ago would have said something like, it’s ok sweetie, we can try again next time.

And I was trying to be supportive and loving. The thing I want most is for my child to FEEL supported and loved.

But In terms of emotions, that would have probably upped his anxiety about next time and possibility of disappointing people even more and having to go through the agony of trying.

And in terms of programming, what programs am I reinforcing?

Do what’s expected. Please others. Please your parents. Don’t disappoint anyone.

And we did a full Self Care Sunday discussion on people pleasing so you know exactly how damaging those programs can be as a grown up.

So I took a breath and I thought about:

What programs do I WANT him to take with him into adulthood?

What programs do I WISH had been reinforced in me at a young age?

And so I focused on what of THE MOST IMPORTANT steps in the Bridge to your Best Life program, where I teach people, often in their 40s who’ve suffered with this programming for way too long, to redefine what success means for them.

Does success mean doing what’s expected? Or maybe something else entirely?

And so I held my son’s hand and acknowledged the big feelings. And when they started to subside I asked him “What does success mean to you?” He gave me a typical response of “I don’t know.”

“Well”, I said, “here’s what it means to me:

Speaking up when something is uncomfortable. Having the courage to say no. Having the courage to do things differently and to decide what is right for you in each individual circumstance. And I want to tell you that I am SO PROUD of you right now. You spoke up when your body was telling you no. You had the courage to tell the technician no and to seek support from your parent.

You talked to me about how you were feeling, that is courageous communication. You talked to me and the orthodontist and the technician about your options, that is problem-solving. And now you are giving space for your emotions after you did a hard thing, and that is self love.

All of those things are success to me and I am SO proud of you.”

Those are the programs that I want him to take with him to adulthood.

Those are the programs that I wished I had so long ago as I was making critical life choices.

And I am so proud of myself for working on myself so that I can be more aware of what I am passing on to my kids. And I am so proud of each and every one of you for showing up today for that exact same reason. Working on yourself is THE MOST LOVING thing you can do for your children.

Modeling all of those successes – tapping into your inner wisdom, using your voice even when it’s hard, and honouring your feelings – will show your kids that it CAN be done that way. That you CAN live authentically and be loved and accepted, which is so very different from the programming that I got where you had to be a certain way in order to be loved and accepted, in order to be successful.

And that definition of success that I carried with me for so long is what led to my burnout and depression and complicated relationships in the first place.

So I’m leaving you with these questions:

What is your definition of success for yourself in YOUR life.

And what definition of success do you want your kids to take with them into adulthood?

And finally, how are you going to model that for your kids?

Thank you so much for watching this video, for showing up for yourself, and for helping to create a new generation who doesn’t see self care as selfish. If you are looking for more ways to connect with me, I’m turning these self-care Sunday chats into a blog. YAY! You can find it a mindbs.ca/blog

Please share with other parents who are on a similar quest to support themselves and their children so we can all be the change together.

Hugs and high five to you all!

MUAH